Your check asshole light is on!
- Category Archives Jokes
Bob went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
The Doctor said, “Bob, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
Bob replied, “God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight and I still do a little drinkin, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented the doctor, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day the doctor called Bobs ol lady,” he said, “Bob is just fine. Physically he’s great, but I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
She exclaimed, Bob still parties like a kid, but lately “The old fool’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
Here is a little bit to tide you over while I work on other stuff for the site. These jokes are seen all over the internet luckily someone went through the time to put them all on one page so copying them was easy… I’m lazy, fuck it! Here ya go, enjoy.
What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
What drink do you get with the McObama Happy Meal in Pakistan?
No drink JUST ICE!
What did Osama Bin Laden’s ghost say to Mitt Romney?
“Don’t be sad, Obama’s foreign policy killed me too”
Whats Michelle Obamas favorite vegetable?
What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
Why shouldn’t Democrats worry about losing the midterm elections?
Apparently depression is covered by Obamacare.
Why won’t Barack Obama be celebrating his birthday?
Republicans won’t let Democrats raise taxes on the rich let alone Barack Obama’s age!
Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
He thought Barry sounded too American.
U.S Presidents and Statesmen are on every piece Of U.S. currency.
So Will Barack Obama Be Placed On The FoodStamp Card?
What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare?
What is Barack Obamas favorite TV show?
Game of Drones.
What do Barack Obama & Tiger Woods have in common?
They are both trying to screw everybody!
What’s the main difference between Romneycare and Obamacare?
Why did Barack Obama save the auto industry?
Because his shareholders are the American people!
Other than health care what other promises has Barack Obama made to the American People?
Balancing the budget, reining in the banks and putting a unicorn in every backyard!
Why won’t Obama release his real birth certificate?
He accidently smoked it.
How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
He got down on one knee and said “I don’t wanna be Obama self.
How do you know your doctor is not a fan of Obama’s Health Care Plan?
He/she has remodeled the waiting room with death paneling.
Why can’t Obama dance?
Cause he has two leftist feet.
What do you call a Nebraskan who hates Obama?
What’s more unacceptable than another 4 years of Obamacare?
Another 8 years of Romneycare!
Dear Women voters,
Barack Obama lives in a house full of women.
Mitt Romney has binders full of women.
How is Obama going to make the tabacco industry pay for health care reform?
By allowing Marlboro Miles to be redeemed for health care coverage!
Did you hear about the reporter who asked Obama a hard question?
Neither have I!
How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform?
By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
Will health care be different under Barack Obama’s new reforms?
No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then!
why do you want Obama in your band?
He has smoked rocks and knows how to roll (weed).
Why is Healthcare reform so important to the enigmatic Barack Obama?
His pregnant mom was turned away from many hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger!
Why is it pointless for Barack Obama to hold Senior Citizens Q & A sessions on the internet?
Because microwave ovens don’t have internet connections!
Under Obama’s health care plan can you get coverage for preexisting conditions?
Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment!
Why has America gotten past our racist past?
Because we picked a black man to clean up our mess!
Republicans: “Obama would not have won without blacks, Hispanics, gays or Jews.”
Democrats: “Or as we like to call them: Americans”
How can Barack Obama get the rich to pay their taxes?
By nominating them to a cabinent post!
What did Barack Obama tell Al Qaida after Osama Bin Laden’s death?
Don’t put your contact info on the Playstation Network!
What does Barack Obama think is more dangerous than the Middle East?
Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a microphone!
Why is it surprising that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are related?
Because Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party!
Why shouldn’t Sarah Palin look into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions after learning “Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad?”
It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey!
Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
To help the other side!
A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
The bartender says hello Mr. President.
Did you hear that Barack Obama and Kanye West are releated?
Apparently they both think they are the son of god.
Whats Obama’s new slogan in these tough times?
Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Why is it not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama?
In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.
Did you that McDonald’s is offering the Obama Happy Meal?
Order anything you want. And the guy behind you has to pay for it.
What’s the difference between Obama and God?
God doesn’t think he is Obama
What is the difference between Obama and Jesus?
Jesus can put a cabinet together
What is the difference between Obama and Osama?
Just a little bs
How does Obama sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Which person did President Obama thank first for helping him win the 2008 election?
Why should Obama have choosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?
The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.
Why won’t Obama release his real birth certificate?
The ink isn’t dry yet.
Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
Because it would be racist.
Did you hear about the new Obama Diet?
You let Putin eat your lunch every day.
What did George W Bush say after hearing Barack Obama admitted to using cocaine in high school?
“High school? I can’t believe he waited that long.”
How does President Obama plan to address the countries immigration problems?
By deporting Senator Ted Cruz.
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
Because it’s too easy to make jokes at Mitt Romney’s expense.
Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
He didn’t want any Bushes at the White House.
What is Obama’s archenemy?
What does Simba and Obama have in common?
One is an African Lion and the other one is a lyin African!
What does OBAMA stand for?
One Big Ass Mistake America.
Did you hear about Obama’s plan to end unemployment?
He’s gonna expand the NBA to 32,000 teams!
The pentagon has changed strategies in the war against ISIL.
Instead of sending cruise missles they are sending Obamas Economic Advisors.
Mitt Romney puts women in Binders. Obama puts Women on the “Supreme Court”
Stop judging Tiger Woods, Obama screwed the whole country!
28% of Americans voted for President Obama just because they enjoy watching white people embarrass themselves after he wins.
If Obama controlled Halloween, would he take all the candy from the kids trick-or-treated and give it to the kids who didn’t trick-or-treat?
If Barack Obama has a mandate to do anything, it’s to raise Mitt Romney’s taxes
It’s so cold this winter, Obama is keeping his hands in his own pockets!
If you think Allen West won but President Obama didn’t, ask someone to hold your wallet for you.
93% of African Americans voted for Obama. Clearly people aren’t voting for the right reasons.
In Colorado, marijuana got more votes than Obama.
Did you hear, Tony Romo’s cronic choking is covered by obama care.
I just made Romney noodles Obama self.
First President Obama was re-elected, then Alabama loses, this has to the worst week for southern white folks since Gettysburg.
Current popular 2012 vote count for Barack Obama: 62,088,847. Tops Bush’s 2004 re-election vote of 62,040,610.
Barack Obama Bar Jokes
World Economic Summit
During a World Economic Summit, Barack Obama, Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French President Francois Hollande are ceremonially riding in Japan’s newest bullet train.
As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued.
Barack Obama says “This is a fine bottle of wine Francois”
Upon hearing this President Francois Hollande throws out a case of France’s finest wine and says “In France fine wine is bountiful and plenty!”
Not to be outdone by Vladimir Putin who then throws out two cases of Russia’s finest Vodka “In Russia premier vodka spirits flow like the Volga River”
President Obama not wanting to seem weak, thinks for a moment, looks at Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto, and throws him out the window.
Love at the White House
Mr. and Mrs. President come home to the White House after a Democratic dinner party and Mr. President is very tense.
Mrs. President feels sorry for him and pours him a glass of brandy.
She takes him by the hand and leads him to the fireplace where a fire is crackling beautifully.
Mrs. President sits in a chair with Mr. Presidents brandy without giving it to him as she unclasps her dress exposing her full supple breasts.
She puts her finger in the brandy, swirls it around then rubs the brandy on her nipple.
Mrs. President begins to moan softly as her nipples become erect.
Mr. President likes what he sees and kneels in front of Mrs. President and gently starts to lick the brandy off her nipples.
Mrs. President moans louder as she lays her head back in pleasure.
Mr. President moves his hand down to the bottom of her dress and lifts it up to surprisingly find Mrs. President wearing no underwear and her well shaven lips are moist from excitement.
Mr. President uses his finger to open her luscious flower and plays with her erect hood while still tonguing her nipples.
Mrs. President is squirming with desire. No longer can Mr. President contain himself so he takes out his throbbing member and slowly slides it into Mrs. President’s wetness.
Mr. President starts to thrust harder and harder watching Mrs. President’s breasts bounce with every force.
Mr. President sucks on Mrs. President’s nipples as he pushes himself inside her deeper and deeper causing Mrs. President to intensely climax.
Mr. President becomes ultimately excited by his wife’s climatic moans and peaks with her.
As they both reach their zenith together, they hold each other closely.
Mr. President stayed inside Mrs. President laying his head on her breasts while he softened.
They both kissed each other and exchanged I love you.
Mrs. President asks, How do you feel Mr. President sir?
Mr. President replies,? I feel so good I think I may actually side with the Republicans?
Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.
“I’d like to reward you boys with something special for saving me”, said Obama. “Just name it, and it’s yours!”
“I want a ride on Air Force One”, said the first boy.
“You’ve got it!”, said Obama.
“I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school”, said the second boy.
“No problem!”, said Obama.
The third boy thought for a moment, and said “I want a wheelchair”.
“But why would you want that?”, asked Obama.
“‘Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he’s gonna break my effin’ legs!”.
Town Hall Meeting
One day three people were standing in front of the president Obama during a town hall meeting.
John, weighs about 140 pounds.
James, weighs about 150 pounds.
Codi weighs 243 pounds.
The first one, James said “You know I have nothing more to say here. John your turn.”
Then John spoke up and said “Hahaha hey Codi has a joke do ya want to here it??? Haha!”
The president doesn’t know how to respond so he nods slowly.
Codi was walking over to the president with a limp and a hand on his back.
The president said well “Codi what’s the joke?”
Codi begins “Well sir I just gave your mama a piggy back ride and she weighs four times more than me!”
Air Force One
Barack Obama and Joe Biden are on a plane.
Suddenly Joe Biden says I can throw 100 dollars out of this plane and make 100 people happy.
Barack says I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy.
The pilot over heard this and said, “I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy.”